Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw Taylor Swift so I said "Hey Taylor, guys are a$$holes & relationships suck!". Long story short, I'm featuring in her next album.

   Next time you're sad remember there are many things you should be thankful about. For example, that you're not Khloe Kardashian's mirror.

   i have too many feelings for someone not in a relationship.

   It's not a walk of shame if you moonwalk through it.

   Where I am from, if I was "16 And Pregnant" I'd get an ass beating not a TV show.

   I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.

   Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?

   The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.

   We only stalk the ones we love.

   I seriously need to get out of the house. Unless some generous woman with alcohol is coming over for sex. In that case I seriously need to stay home.

   Your problem is not my problem even if your problem is me.

   What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep.... And Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   Republican convention next week.... Hurricane Isaac is predicted to hit Florida next week.... Even Mother Nature doesn't like Republicans.

   (o_o) dat wierd feeling you get when you take a sit and it is still warm coz some jus got up from it... *very discomforing*

   they did an MRI of my brain.....they found nothing.

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   I wish STD's on all people who still say YOLO.

   I rarely slip and fall, but when I do, I do it in front of a lot of people.

   Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!