Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's way too early to listen to you b!tch and moan. Just the moaning would be a lot better.

   The most humbling, terrifying, self-reflective moment in a man's life is when he realizes his beautiful daughter is attached to a v@gina.

   Sex heals. But don't take my word for it. Just ask Marvin Gaye.

   If elected President, I would give out free window tint to all those people who sit at traffic lights and insist on picking their nose..

   Who is guilty here? A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick my husband is home!" her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!!

   Love when people update their Facebook page 20+ times a day. Frickin annoying. We get it you are important!!

   Well it's official, after all these years of training, I am currently tied with lance Armstrong in tour de France victories

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I think I just saw Terrell Owens on Hardcore Pawn.

   "Slow, I say a-slow! Slow ride, I say. Take it easy now, I say, a-take it real easy, now I say." -Foghat Leghorn

   Ya know what Lance Armstrong and I have in common? We both woke up this morning with the same amount of Tour de france medals!!

   might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.

   One nation...over weight...with high fructose corn syrup for all!

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me dancing & singing to 90's songs in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...

   France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.

   Who the hell is this "moderation" everyone keeps telling me to drink with?

   Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

   Probably the lowest point in my life was when I fucked a guy who liked Nickelback. I'll never forgive myself.

   Open Mic Night: When You Can't Quite Land A Gig