Funny Status Messages

   Don't give it to me straight. I like it a little crooked.

   Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

   Republicans haven't said anything about welcoming immigrants.Grrrr!! I might be jumping the fence again.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side. A Nascar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.

   Can't these goddamn customers see that I'm trying to update my social networking sites?!?

   I created an imaginary girlfriend,but she just wants to be friends.

   Oh ! The first page popped up when I typed "childbirth " on Google was "durex"!!!

   I am sorry guys my p0sts have sucked so much lately. Lately I've been going on dates and getting laid on a regular basis lately.

   i'm into commitments especially if they're not long term.

   If Americans are so angry about illegal border crossings, why does the national anthem start with 'Jose can you see?'

   I wanted you all to know that I'm here for you. If any of you need a kidney, I'd be more than happy to cut one out of a co-worker for you.

   During sex, I'll bite, scratch, swear and pull hair but it only seems to encourage uncle Brian.

   Let me wipe those tears away with my boobies.

   How long after I lay all of my feelings on the table do they start to get rotten?

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

   Half of the world's population is crazy. The other half is male.

   Men who shave their arms, legs and/or chest probably shave their v@ginas as well.

   I've been single for so long, I'm not sure I would even know how to be in a relationship anymore. Are relationships still even a thing?

   Wife and grandchildren are out of town. I'm eating ice cream for breakfast in my whitie tighties, I'm the man of the house now!!