Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bryan Brown ‎"Can I see your phone??" SURE.. Just don't look in my contacts.... or my texts... or my pics.. or my videos... or my.. you know what just give me my damn phone back.. #Mr.Brown

   apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!!

   Funny how the sound of a melody, brings back a memory...

   I'm pretty sure that the demise of dinosaurs was because they were driving hybrids.

   I must be grown up, I suffer from Vodka Vision, not beer goggles...

   getting tattoos on your face does not cover up ugly....it makes you ugly wit a "F"☞ "FUGLY"....ツ

   Working on my hurricane prep list. Heineken's, Cigarette's, Red Cross phone number. All done!

   I'm no zombie, but I do like brain ; )

   Dos Equis: Death once had a "near him" experience.

   Rep. Todd Akin has decided to stay in the race. Is that really surprising - a guy who knows so little about the female body, doesn't know when to pull out?

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   Soft p0rn didn't die. It just mutated into pop music videos.

   Call me paranoid but I don't trust brown towels.

   When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, 'Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's 'Can I drink with these?'

   Why do we call it passing gas? Who are we passing it to? Let's just call it offering up a preview of our pending crap.

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   It's not arrogance if I say it isn't

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   I mean this is the nicest possible way...~ someone who is about to make you swallow every anti-depressant in your house.