Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.

   I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.

   "I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a phone call from the wife.

   Sitting at a crossroad, strange I don't see Bones, Thug or Harmony

   Across this country right now, college marching bands are practicing call me maybe in time for the kickoff of college football.

   I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.

   My relationship advice is if you're not single you deserve it.

   I don't think my newly divorced middle aged co-worker appreciates all the Cat adoption websites I keep emailing to her.

   I'm the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

   If you want somebody, just tell them. The only games you should play with people are strip poker and naked Twister.

   I have something I want to put in your suggestion box.

   <--heading to Wal-Mart and counting camel-toes!!!

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

   Hit me with your best shot... of tequila.