Funny Status Messages
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I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!" 
Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.
I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.
Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?
if every guy was like me there would be a lot of happy women out there
I am a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore I am Iron Man.
Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...
Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times
are the smurfs just a midget tribe of the Avatars?
maybe i'll get laid by my wife....she said that will happen once in a blue moon
Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.
I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."
I am so hungry I think I'd probably choose pizza over sex right now.
Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.
Relationships are all about finding someone that completely trusts you. In other words, naive.
what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???
When I was a kid I was really scared of the dark. Two of them mugged me and stole
The J€ws only use the Old Testament, because its too expensive to upgrade.
Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."
Glancing in the mirror this morning, I gasped in horror. mouth opened I slowly raised my hand to my head and plucked not 1, but 2 grey hairs from my fringe line! it was at that moment in time that it finally hit me.....I'm getting old!!! 