Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.

   Drunk Logic: "she's only ugly in the face."

   Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.

   A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.

   If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'

   Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...

   I'm really looking forward to the hurricane coverage to see which news reporter falls flat on their face from the wind...Ahhh, watching them fall never gets old!

   If bad things happen in threes I'd hate to be Billie Joe Armstrong today.

   Don't you love when you put a load in the dishwasher and it swallows?

   First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.

   The man, whos 1 step was a giant leap for mankind has died. RIP Neil Armstrong.

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

   If they'd only let him keep his Tour de France titles, Neil Armstrong would still be with us today.

   This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

   My parents are great people, except when they invite their crazy relatives

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.

   Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

   Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?

   Has anyone noticed that there aren't many play-places at fast food restaurants anymore? Probably because none of those kids chowing down on burgers and fries can fit through the tunnels.