Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During sex, I'll bite, scratch, swear and pull hair but it only seems to encourage uncle Brian.

   Let me wipe those tears away with my boobies.

   How long after I lay all of my feelings on the table do they start to get rotten?

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

   Half of the world's population is crazy. The other half is male.

   Men who shave their arms, legs and/or chest probably shave their v@ginas as well.

   I've been single for so long, I'm not sure I would even know how to be in a relationship anymore. Are relationships still even a thing?

   Wife and grandchildren are out of town. I'm eating ice cream for breakfast in my whitie tighties, I'm the man of the house now!!

   I see the grade schoolers are here for the long weekend with the childish "jokes"

   Whats two tamp00ns say while walking down the road, NOTHING, there stuck up b!cthes

   3 Things I Learned Tonight: 1)It's not what you know, it's what you show. 2)If Swingers twice your age try to engage, just SLIDE away! 2.5) Especially if they mention "lube"...that's when you put on the BRAKES! 3) Samuel L Jackson is a DAMN good whistler!

   Hello September ツ ...Don't wake 'Green Day' up!

   Between every cigarette that I smoke, I quit smoking.

   You had me at let's get divorced.

   Creates an imaginary girlfriend. She just wants to be friends.

   Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

   Apparently the “stop” button on Internet Explorer means “stop and also show me a blank useless screen regardless of what is visible when I press this button”

   Dear 'K", Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.