Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!"

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!

   There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

   you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!

   In the absence of peace & love, we teach war & hate as an escape from the problems we are too lazy to solve.

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   These days: Smart Phones, Stupid People

   Why do banks attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   The guy who discovered milk….What was he doing with that cow?

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook, forever!!!

   I have a v@gina. I don't have to make sense.

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram

   Who else proofread something after they posted? Oh so I'm the only one......

   You ever posted something and before you can even proofread it there's like 50 million likes?