Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's been over 30 years but I still have a bone to pick with my guidance counselor. Becoming a computer programmer did NOT make me a chick magnet. That's the last time I ever take advice from someone wearing Vulcan ears.

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid

   I hate it when I the most important part of a post

   Every time that hoe inside my G.P.S. gives me wong directions I pimp slap her with the mute button. :-D

   When did this become "Un-comical, Boring Political Status Messages for Facebook"?

   The only time to lower expectations is 30 minutes before the bar closes

   Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

   "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive."

   I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.

   People who cry like a baby over repeated jokes. Life is short - stop sulking.

   Note to self: When picking your nose in the car... watch out for speed bumps.

   Jessica Simpson is such an inspiration to nobody.

   Mexican word of the day... Bishop. "My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop"

   Oh for god sake, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.