Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Helping Mario get his biatch Peach back!

   I was wrong about two things about our first NFL game: The Giants winning and the Cowboys losing...

   Vanilla Ice wasn't as terrible as he's been made out to be... He's just had a bad rap.

   If my "check engine" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it.

   My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives

   David Wilson coughs up more balls then Kim Kardashian at a Kanye show.

   Time to turn this beer into urine...

   I know it's only air and all, but if pushed too hard, a fart can actually hurt!

   Saying you'll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it's not important.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   I can't live without y̶o̶u̶. FOOD...

   That mini heart attack you get when you reach in your pocket and your phone isn't there.

   Karma takes too long ..... I'd rather beat the sh%t out of you.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   That hilarious moment when someone tries to make you jealous, when you honestly don't give a fuck.

   I don't think the other guys like when I try to play footsie in the bathroom stalls

   wake me up when September ends

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ The NFL is back!!!!!!

   20 Years ago today, me and my wife got married.. And yes you can get less for murder

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."