Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   I'm one of those Dads that tells his son to push back when he's been pushed.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   Throwing ice at people because they need to chill...

   1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

   Warning to my friends who don't eat sweet and fatty foods, don't drink coffee, don't stay up late: One of these days you'll lose friends. Everyone's dead except you

   I know a kid named Jay, but we call him J for short.

   When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can he videotape it?

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!"

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!

   There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

   you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!

   In the absence of peace & love, we teach war & hate as an escape from the problems we are too lazy to solve.

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   These days: Smart Phones, Stupid People