Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

   1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit Me: new boat The wife: lower sky

   My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

   Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Baker: Is there a problem? Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

   My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant. ”Beef feet” say die.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.

   I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…

   To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

   Could it be I'm already thinking about my Thanksgiving dinner? Because it appears to me that Rudy is sweating gravy...

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.

   Face tattoos should come with a mandatory monitoring device on their ankle...