Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   What's going on!?!? I thought it was a guarantee that Jared would bring peace to the middle east?????

   The price of great success is the greater fear of losing it all in the end.

   idk why people get paranoid about getting a chip put in them someday. ...lays & pringles have been putting chips in me for years

   I should be ashamed of my behaviour. Just to be clear, I should be, but I'm not.

   How to tell if someone is fully vaccinated? Scan their chip.

   Now trading toilet paper for gasoline.

   Are there any voters who still think electing Biden was a good thing?

   Women aren't panicking about the gas shortage...they've been riding around on E all the time.

   Does Jimmy Biden or Joe Carter have the better ring to it?

   Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.

   You reach an age when you become very critical about people parking near your house.

   Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

   When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

   The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

   Someone once told me "you'll never gonna forget me". I don't remember who that was.

   Whoever believes in that bamboo-laced China ballots, which was flown here story, please let me know? I just want to know who to laugh at.

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   Someone threw a bottle of Mayo at me...I was like "What the Hellmann"...!!!