Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

   If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!

   When a woman says "the girls" I automatically assume she is talking about her boobs, not her actual friends.

   Allow me to ignore your existence while you are in a crappy mood.

   Every month I pretend to have a pregnancy scare. It's better than admitting to myself that I don't get laid.

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.

   Everyone remembers that we were attacked, but few remember why.

   All my Nieces are Brilliant and Beautiful and obviously take after their aunt!

   Today at work the Boss asks me to start my presentation with a joke, On the 1st slide was a copy of my paycheck!!

   Religion and Politics are much the same in that we block out everything except the parts we feel personally benefit us.

   I love it when a girl tell me she is not a slut and then 2-hours latter I've got her feet behind her ears while screaming my name.

   How do I get my husband to clean? I tell him I might be bringing home a girl for a threesome.

   Kayne West....made a song about Gold Diggers and now wants to marry Kim kardashian

   Freedom itself was attacked by a faceless coward 11 yrs ago, that faceless coward....THE GOVERNMENT

   why is my check engine light coming on?? I know my engine is there because I just put oil in my radiator

   Ladies, if all your pics are from the neck up, we have a good idea how the rest looks…

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.