Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.

   Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.

   If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.

   I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.

   I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   I have no idea how to get off the internet...

   Sometimes I want to linger in your mouth like an expensive liquor and sometimes I want you to slam me down like a cheap shot.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason...

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.