Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...

   Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   The wierd moment when you scroll through someones timeline history and they get skinnier...

   Wanting what I'll never have is my way of insuring that I'm always miserable.

   I need to get a refund for my "DO NOT ARREST THIS MAN" t-shirt.

   The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.

   Baby, let's stay up late and make mix tapes.

   I am so tired of doing things with other women that aren't you.

   Apparently it wasn't a hit & run. Lindsay Lohan was just preparing for a new movie role. It's about a strung out has-been actress.

   I have never once looked at a security guard and thought "I feel totally safe with that guy on the job"

   Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

   Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   I want Liam Neeson to star in a remake of "Breakin' "

   Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.

   there are many things that will catch your eye but few will catch your heart

   Being a nice guy wasn't working for me so I converted to douche bagism.

   There are females getting ignored RIGHT NOW because football is back. Y'all will get the sidechick treatment all season. Keep ya head up tho

   laughter is the best medicine...unless you have diarrhea.