Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part about getting older is vaguely remembering all the sex you had when you were younger.

   Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

   Your wise words bring out your stupidity.

   I love it when she's hot for me, or just hot for someone and I happen to be there.

   You can love your country without having to love your government.

   i used to think meatballs were cow testicals when I was little

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   All Samsung Officials are withdrawing their children from English medium schools because the first thing they were taught was "A for Apple"

   Now that the iPhone 5 is out, I'm starting to wonder if whether 2 kidneys are really all that necessary..

   After exercising I always eat a Pizza. Just Kidding, I don't exercise !!

   Tonight looks like a good night to do all the nothing I have planned! !!!

   When i'm available no one texts me. But when i'm busy... BAM! ...still no one texts me !!!

   If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done…!!

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.!

   SO HUNGRY.. but not hungry enough to get up and get food.!!!!!!!!!

   Can someone please call Carly Rae Jepsen so we can be done with this already?!!

   I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!

   O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."

   9/11 was yesterday? I couldn't forget if I wanted too

   I should have ordered only half a horse. No way, I can eat all this..