Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No special plans tonight, but I'm thinking about throwing rocks at a foreign embassy and then grilling some burgers. Hit me up if you wanna join? My mom is coming too....

   We all have that place we go to that is full of negatives and disappointment. Mine sadly is my checkbook.

   My transformation into a baby seal is almost complete.

   Personally, I think today should be "Cap a Diaperhead" day! Just saying

   North Dakota State campus evacuated due to a bomb threat. Both students are suspects...

   I made a post on my facebook saying that I really need prayers right now... then later in the day I replied and explained it was because I bought some scratch offs

   I've seen more of Kate Middleton's privates than my own wife's the past 2 years...

   You call me a Red Neck Back Woods Hillbilly, just because I go to the family reunion to find a date!...So be it!

   She asked if I had any experience operating heavy equipment, there's smoke coming from her v@gina now.

   Jealousy makes you look insecure. And fat

   This just in...Kate Middleton has boobs; just like every other woman in the world. More details at 11...

   I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend

   I live in a country where what doesn't kill you, makes off with your TV.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   The day Rick Ross jumps into the crowd will be the day we find out who his LOYAL fans are.

   'You always make mistakes with your first one.' - True of children and marriages.

   If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.