Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...

   The more broken you are, the stronger you'll be once you're fixed.

   had to take my cat to the vet. She's not feline well…

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   I can't take a 5 hour energy. It'd either eff up my nap or my bedtime…

   My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right…

   The 2011 MLS MVP is out for the season. I have no idea who he is. Hell, I don't even know what the MLS is…

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   Ironically, the kind of people who queue all night to buy an iPhone 5 have very few friends to call when they get it.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   How do you know when your pet rock dies?

   That's right, the iPhone 5 is now thinner and lighter, like the enslaved chinese worker since he started assembling it.

   We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand. Just where your money used to be.