Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   I love looking up at a guy when I'm giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.

   A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

   Working on my (throwing rocks at) people skills....Just in case

   Ladies, please quote Marilyn Monroe more. After all, she was so smart and successful in her personal life…

   The Royal family are said to be "disappointed" over a French magazine publishing pictures of Kate Middleton topless. Me too, they're tiny.

   Your girlfriend's existence is starting to piss me off.

   When I read that 9 of 10 forest fires are started by humans, what I really see is that somewhere there is a bear that knows how to use matches!

   I've been ignored by better.

   I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

   There should be a website where emotionally void sociopaths can form fake relationships to mask the desperation of lonely lies they tell each other.

   This Vodka says, everything will be okay. At least for a few hours.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   A lot of the foreplay for morning sex starts way before the girl beside me wakes up.

   I'm sorry, I don't find you arousing. No hard feelings.

   Hold still, I'm trying to make you fall in love with me.

   Totally cute guy checking me out at 3 o'clock. Oh wait, that's just my reflection.

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   You say premature ejaculation. I sa

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.