Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This just in...Kate Middleton has boobs; just like every other woman in the world. More details at 11...

   I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend

   I live in a country where what doesn't kill you, makes off with your TV.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   The day Rick Ross jumps into the crowd will be the day we find out who his LOYAL fans are.

   'You always make mistakes with your first one.' - True of children and marriages.

   If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   GOING CHEAP,!!! all docking stations for iphone 4,,,

   I think there are too many psychic mediums and not enough psychic extra larges..

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   Those Cialis dudes get turned on when they see really bad acting

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   In case any ladies are interested, I just finished cleaning the dishes.

   It's not "honey boo boo" it's "honey moo moo" it's fat got some mad cow disease so let's take it out back and kill it!

   The best conversations happen late at night.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.