Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.

   Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location

   How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

   Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

   I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three. –me on house hunters

   My brain is like a greenhouse, it has a terrible groundskeeper.

   "The sum of the carrots are inversely proportional to the squared exponent of the cabbage divided by the vinegar and multiplied by the mayonnaise." ~Cole's Law

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!

   They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

   I’m at the age where, whenever I think of my age, I think, “I should go lie down.”

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it an internet girlfriend and not eBae?

   It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

   Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

   High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

   As a sign of respect, I will now be ending all me sentences with the word "Jack". Good for me, Jack!

   QAnon Shaman? More like QAnon Virgin.

   The older I get the more companies are making the lids on jars tighter.

   When I was born they were probably like “He’ll stop crying soon” yet here I am

   Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.

   In what world does a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?