Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 323 of 6383
I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him
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11-25-2020 07:52
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When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed
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11-25-2020 07:51
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If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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11-25-2020 07:51
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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11-25-2020 07:51
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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11-25-2020 07:50
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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11-25-2020 07:50
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I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.
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11-25-2020 07:49
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My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo
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11-25-2020 07:48
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I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.
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11-25-2020 07:15 by Fazzy
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Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.
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11-25-2020 01:25
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I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."
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11-24-2020 23:30
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yeah, a dab will do.
or what ever fred flinstone said
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11-24-2020 11:50
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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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11-24-2020 09:49
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When I said "I'd hit that" I meant with my car.
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11-24-2020 08:27
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Yesterday a Dwarf Psychic escaped from jail, Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large
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11-23-2020 23:45
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The higher the crime rate in an area the better the chicken wings
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11-23-2020 23:31
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Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!
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11-23-2020 23:03
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Be kind to the people wearing masks while driving who might be the people delivering your food.
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11-23-2020 22:48
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to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car
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11-23-2020 13:47
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Not to panic anyone, but Mad Max took place in the year 2021.
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11-23-2020 10:41
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