Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.

   Sometimes Religion is a crutch for the weak, the lazy, the clueless and the plain ignorant. Many times I have witnessed Christianity used as a refuge by some people who cannot deal with life and its daily struggles, so they turn towards religion for help.

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Land phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 6

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > Blackberry

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   if you do the crime then expect to do the time!!

   going to try to act my age tonight!! Said no cougar ever :)

   Ever take a dump so big your pants fit better?

   If you don't want me pointing out your faults, don't have so many to choose from

   Sometimes when I get bored I bounce my nuts on the keyboard dfhjyffcbhhhjufddxcbnnkiytredcvhkopihf

   Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew!

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I bounce my boobs on the jfdslkhdjkhkjdvvgffdzbsldk;/ffdlskn\/njvglnxlk\cz/\/sl/\sn

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   Tampons are in the right place, at the wrong time.

   A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !

   Prius = douchebags gone wild