sean Funny Status Messages

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....