Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   I'm back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?

   Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   You had me at "I can't have children."

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.