Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever want an OUTSTANDING job/character reference, make sure you list someone that you KNOW hates your ass at your current employer. They'll be so happy to be rid of your ass nothing but good things will come out of their mouth.

   I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.

   Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!

   has plenty of girls who can suck, he's looking for the one who can blow his mind

   I don't feel like doing anything today...except for you...I'd do you.

   Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked

   not sitting at home praying, he is out somewhere being prayed for!

   Where have you been my whole life? And could you please go back there?

   laughing because I just pictured you naked!

   I really need to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge!

   It's kinda funny how in 2010 and 2011 people were freaking out about 2012. Now it's 2 months from December and no one gives a crap

   Home is where I can look and feel ugly and enjoy it.

   Strict parents create sneaky children.

   Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to

   You're a 90s kid if… you wore the light up shoes! Those were badass.

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna damn suck.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume

   Seems like it's going to be “die trying” rather than “get rich” kind of life.

   i was going to dress up as Cailey Anthony for halloween but my mom said shed kill me

   gas prices are so high in California I saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard…