Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This debate reminds me of watching MAD's Spy vs Spy!!

   I feel like I am watching two middle aged house wives arguing over whose cookie recipe is better.

   I'm pretty sure the inked up girl working at Starbucks isn't making the full contribution to her 401k...

   O Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. ....Amen.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....

   You're so innocent. Let's fix that.

   Love is such a strong word But then again, so is C*NT

   would Anne Frank be famous if she had been a facebook user?

   Hey McDonalds, may I have some Coke with my ice?!

   OREOS: First you twist it, then you....oh, it broke : (

   Truth hurts...but not as much as getting fingered by Edward Scissorhands

   During tonight's debate i'm gonna stand at a podium in my living room and pretend i'm the candidate everyone ignores.

   I hear Justin Bieber's live vomit is much better than his studio vomit...

   Officer I'm not trying to be a jack ass but if you caught me speeding dosn't that mean you were speeding to?

   U may hate me for being a sarcastic b!+ch, but I'm the one who gets exactly what I want while ur still whining about it... (^_^)

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   Kristen Stewart is back with Robert Pattinson. She said "I can't express how sorry I am" but that was referring to her facial expressions.

   My favourite "The Addams Family" character is probably Lady Gaga.