Funny Status Messages

   Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.

   Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

   Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

   Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

   I came up with a new drinking game. Watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and every time Goofy says “Gorsh!” take a swig. I give it five minutes before you black out.

   ‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’ ~dogs in therapy

   My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

   It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

   I still giggle when I get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as I am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

   My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

   Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."

   I'm surprised McAfee & Norton didn't get a piece of the vaccine action.

   Fred Flintstone: Hey, was that an insult? Gazoo: Well, if the shoe fits... Barney Rubble: What's a shoe?

   I'm not sure who needs to hear this but Walmart sells Father's Day cards in packs of five.

   China claims covid came from an old bat, but Pelosi denies being involved.

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.

   Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location

   How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

   Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

   I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three. –me on house hunters