Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

   They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store ….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

   spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

   If Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, I'm going to upload my debt...

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for very infectious diseases

   I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be Are you going to eat that?

   This morning I spent at least half an hour trying to get wifes bra off... I will never try wearing that again.

   "Military only get one day" said only in june by homophobic peope who cant stuff up

   Good night, everybody. Night sweats, no... sweet dreams. That's it... sweet dreams.

   I hope my dog never finds out I am made of bones

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   It’s like my therapist always says, Please, put on your pants.

   I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

   My kids won’t stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we’re watching Poltergeist.

   Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers. Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

   An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

   Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.

   I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer.

   This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.