Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.

   You can be an educated, intelligent, productive person and still smoke and enjoy pot.

   A man will simply break a woman's heart, but a woman will take a dump in a man's heart and walk away.

   The karma of messing with a good girl is the h?e you end up with. This goes to all the players who think they are God's gift to women. Newsflash, you're not!!

   Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend.

   Holding my phone while in the tub is similar to holding a loved one over a cliff.

   The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats

   Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"

   remember folks...gravy is NOT a beverage!!

   Instead of driving a smart car, you should probably go to driving class.

   My lawyer friend prefers to be called an attorney...but I still prefer douchebag!

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   Guys and their smartphones have it made now. Back In the day the only way we could prove we got some was to let our friends smell our finger!!

   The more I stalk my new neighbor, the better I feel I know her.

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

   If you never felt up a passed out girl, your college experience scuked…

   I support g@y marriage simply because the divorce hearings will be epic!!!

   My sweet dance moves bring all the boys to the yard and they're all, "Somebody call 911! This b itch is having a seizure!" :(

   How come only women get Fibromyalgia? Is it a make believe condition like PMS??

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.