Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets not waste our time wondering whether or not this is a waste of time

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.

   Inventing a new sex move called "El Dorito." It's where I drop a chip down my bra and go on a pretty hectic search for it while sobbing.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -Steven Wright

   You're like the first time I wash my hair after a good cut...I thought there had to be more...but now I'm just glad you're gone.

   I was just driving behind a car covered in pro life stickers and I thought "Man, that car hates abortion". Then it dawned on me that I don't know my car's political views. What if my car is a Republican? Or a racist? Maybe I don't want to know. I like my

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   On My Way To Walmart For Some Rascal Tipping

   Treat her like your trying to keep her!!

   alcohol turns people into the little engine that could...i think I can, I think I can

   I hate liars, hypocrites, & people who take advantage of people who care about them

   I need to print some my Facebook friends' status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my a?s with them

   Whoever coined the phrase "you don't know what you got till its gone" was talking about toilet paper, probably

   There's a difference between who we love, who we settle for, and who we're meant for.

   Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804

   When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months