Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   ■Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is.

   9.LIKE if you think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate

   Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back

   when you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, and I'll have to fight the attacker naked.."

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is

   "If you take a look at all the previous US Presidents, what could I do worse" - Frank Zappa

   When a politician says, we're all sitting in the same boat, it means he wants to play captain and we shall rowe.

   Before I got married I had six theories about parenting. Now I have six kids and no theory.

   I made this diet where I had to abstain from fast food and alcohol. After only 2 weeks I've lost 14 days.

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   at my age, my pecker is starting to look like a baby buzzard hanging out his nest

   Damn! It's finally beer thirty! See you f uckers Monday!!

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

   wishes she had some nuts right now :)

   You know it was a good night when the hotel room looks like a crime scene the next morning.

   You seem insecure. Let's go out for drinks.