Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.

   TLC is getting so lazy with show titles... btw "My giant face tumor" is on tonight.

   Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.

   Where do I find these Binders full of women..............

   That's the third time I've showered with socks on....

   There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.

   If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   "tums" needs to change their product name....some ppl are dyslexic with heart burn & easy offended by reading SMUT on the bottles

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…