Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone is dying to have sex with you.

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   How many times in your life have you said HE or SHE is the one only to find out that you were mistaken?

   Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom?

   Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.

   Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?

   Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.

   I think it's sick joke that companies are selling calendars for 2013. Anything to make a buck.

   "‎"when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years

   There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"

   Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles

   Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??

   Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing