Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I order something online and there's a "Delivery Notes" box I put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch."

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

   Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

   Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. I'm sure that you were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

   Cosby gets out of prison and onto a bus. Next to a long rock wall he finds a letter. He goes to Mexico where he finds Epstein working on a boat.

   Them: Did you adopt your cat? Me: No, it’s my biological cat.

   William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie. Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times they chase me down the street after I give them a wedgie.

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Math Rock is a term meant to describe music that is complex in rhythmic structure. But in reality, all rock is Math Rock. Some is Calculus, some is Algebra, some is Arithmetic and some is Pre-K Introduction to Numbers.

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   I still have the Wooden Nickels I collected as a kid. I was an early investor in Birchcoin.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Night gets longer. Life gets better. Wait... what? The humidity? Kindly disregard all.

   Did you know one of the Vaccine side effects is improved Eyesight ? After 2 doses you'll find you can now see the light at the end of the Tunnel.

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   Hey, guess what me and Rudy Giuliani have in common? We both can't practice law in New York.