Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......

   I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.

   I think stuffed animals have learned their lesson.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.