Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   Crotchless panties because how else would we grip our broomstick?

   The average annual income of a U.S. prostitute is $290,000. Seems the only time getting screwed pays is when you are a hooker.

   Marriage and childhood are very similar. You rush to do the chores you were suppose to do 20 minutes before a certain somebody comes home.

   The only thing that I do well during sex is provide disappointment.

   It's a a romantic hotel hideaway. Until someone has to poo.

   I am about to get some action guys. The only thing she is wearing right now is her hair, her heels and oh wait wtf and a tampon?!?

   “I'm an adult! I can do whatever the hell I want.” No, not you married people. Sit back down. You're just being silly now.

   The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists

   It's pretty scary that before facebook... All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   PS Don't light every scented candle you own if the power go's out. You'll have a Yankee Candle store-grade headache....

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   Hurricane Survival Pro Tip #2: If your neighbor is a jerk, point your patio umbrella at their windows. See what happens in 80mph winds......

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

   ok, instead of ...... to indicate a pause, i'll just put "oh, look a squirrel"!

   Studies show fewer Democrats vote when it rains on Election Day. I guess they don't want the stuff in their shopping cart to get wet.

   Sometimes when you cry, no one see's your tears. Sometimes when your in pain no one see's your hurt. Sometimes when your worried no one see's your stress. Sometimes when your happy no one see's your smile. But fart one time and the whole world knows.

   CONSERVATIVE"I'm more traditional like a flathead screwdriver vote for me" LIBERAL "I'm more modern like a phillips screwdriver vote for me" VOTERS "No matter who wins we're SCREWED"

   Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frikken Sandy.....