Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get ignored by women so much that they call me "Terms And Conditions".

   If you see a prisoner or a married man asleep, do not wake him perhaps he is dreaming of freedom.

   Why did cave men drag women around by their hair? Cuz if they dragged them by their feet they would feel up with sand.

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups huh Bloomberg? BABOOM! *drops micc

   strong winds on the east coast....not Hurricane Sandy...its just congress in Washingoton DC blowing air out their mouths

   BREAKING: FEMA and National Weather Service to plug the eye of Hurricane Sandy by dropping Chris Christie into it to save New Jersey.

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups,,,, huh Bloomberg??

   New York on terror alert as Al Qaeda threaten to crash submarines into the Empire State Building.

   thankful Sandy decided to help out with the yardwork and blow my leaf piles down the road!

   Like if you knew Mitt Romney moved to France to skip the Vietnam draft. Flipper/Dodger.

   Who names these hurricanes? I don't want to die in a hurricane named sandy, I wanna be wiped out by the cyclone of doom, the hurricane of pain or even the population ripper but please god, not sandy!

   Like if you're on the East Coast!

   why are all these wicked and crazy storms named after women?

   No one can text faster than a pissed off woman

   I hope Sandy doesn't blow all the dirt off the top of New Jersey's landfills...I mean mountains!!

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   That very very sad moment when you bite into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it's really just a cleverly disguised oatmeal raisin cookie.

   *ATTENTION* I have a copy of tomorrows newspaper complete with sports scores, police blotters, and other interesting facts!.. I'm selling this for $352.83 a true bargain!! I can deliver the newspaper anytime tomorrow after 9:00 am

   They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

   How many mexicans does it take t-... Oh sh#t, they're done..