Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put the 'extra vag' in extravaganza

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   Watching post Halloween walks of shame is the best.

   Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

   My girlfriend stripped teased for me last night. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, and I had to pay a cover charge.

   If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead.

   I hate those see through elevators because that's my damn time to pick my nose in private.

   going to the toilet solely to masturbate called a number 3?

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Tell me everything but dont use words.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Face down, ass up, skip yoga, chase the icecream truck.

   Angry drunks have everyone's phone number.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.