Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

   I bite my own lip because I can't bite yours.

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.

   I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.

   Sorry young dub-steppers. We used up all the best drugs and beats 15 years ago. Back to the drawing board, kids

   I greet all conflict with a joke, a smile and a laugh. It's not that I'm the bigger man. It just makes my enemies hate me so much more.

   If you ever see me drinking alcohol (I don't drink) or see me being a slut (I'm a good girl).......whatever you do, don't stop me.

   There's a reason why natural disasters have female names.

   C0ndoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

   I never realized how strong I was...until being strong is the only choice I have left ♡

   Good news...I got my power back! No, not my electricity, my invisibility. You look nice tonight.

   With all do respect to Whitney (may she RIP), why did she not fix her child's teeth!!

   I bet the taliban is watching Honey Boo Boo saying "We can now watch them destroy themselves."

   Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

   If I had 10 nutter butter cookies and you took 5 away, what would you have...That's right, a black eye an a broke hand!

   A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice!!!

   thinking...there are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand.

   Below is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief: Click >HERE< to continue to next page. (Funny how we are ALWAYS there for everyone else.)

   Atlantic City Casinos are losing $5,000,000 a day being closed. I guess the "House doesn't always win!