Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why are all these wicked and crazy storms named after women?

   No one can text faster than a pissed off woman

   I hope Sandy doesn't blow all the dirt off the top of New Jersey's landfills...I mean mountains!!

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   That very very sad moment when you bite into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it's really just a cleverly disguised oatmeal raisin cookie.

   *ATTENTION* I have a copy of tomorrows newspaper complete with sports scores, police blotters, and other interesting facts!.. I'm selling this for $352.83 a true bargain!! I can deliver the newspaper anytime tomorrow after 9:00 am

   They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

   How many mexicans does it take t-... Oh sh#t, they're done..

   Hurricane Sandy is Mother Nature's way of preventing another MTV Jersey Shore cast from happening. She's had enough!!!

   Am I the only one that uses the calculator on a cellphone to find out the best deal on beer by calculating the "cost/per ounce" ratio?

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   I hope everyone's fridge gets knocked out in the storm. Bama voters will be in line for new food-stamps instead of voting.

   this just in: Quiting smoking increases your lifespan. Also, beer is delicious!

   I mowed my own lawn today and my amigo, Jorge, Won't speak to me now...

   So that is how the season finally of Jersey shore will end...A blow job from sandy!!!

   ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.

   I think I just seen my breath outside and I ain't blowing smoke...

   I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

   Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they where so traumatized it left the

   You know your ass is getting big when it's cold and you have to use BOTH seat warmers in your car...