Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   The gas pedal is my therapist.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   1. Does she change BFFs often? 2. Does each friendship end acrimoniously? 3. Is it never her fault? If yes to all, CONGRATS! She's a bitc h.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in two days after purchasing Lucas Arts, Disney in a deal with Harpo Studios will hire Oprah to play the role of Jar Jar Binks in the new upcoming Star Wars 7 movie...

   I am in great marriage...Says my wife

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

   It's National Stomach Ache Day.

   Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!

   Well behaved women rarely make browser history.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.

   You say stalker, I say dedicated. You say psycho, I say nothing says I love you like a severed cat head.

   what do you expect from a species that quotes Marilyn Monroe?

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   Men, if you're looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there's WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

   I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.