Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't.

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   FarmVille 2 ... Because you're a sequel wanting twat.

   I tried to commit suicide last night. I won't be trying that again I nearly died.

   My wife just called me stupid, then said she was going outside to catch some air. Air can neither be seen nor touched, and I'M stupid?

   WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*

   I respect the person who let women into the Army. Woman on period + gun = unstoppable

   *alarm*...*snooze*....*alarm*....*snooze*....*alarm*..*checks time*..."Oh sh*t!"

   When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."

   Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.

   People make me itch!

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.