Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After taking LSD last night I hallucinated that I was a very well educated giant. And they say taking drugs doesn't make you big or clever.

   There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone you don't like eating. Actually scrap that - There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone eating!

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   Scientists: Red heads are more prone to skin cancer. Rest of the world: No s hit nerd...

   Well I smell my wife cooking dinner. It's times like these when I wish I had a dog.

   If you step out of the car & behave like a complete 2year old then you better have a bumper sticker reading 'Baby on Wheels!!'

   How will we know when Adele has had the baby?

   If I had a daughter I would want the same for her as any parent would want. A sex tape, a reality show and a perfume.

   Scientists predict that at the rate the polar ice caps are melting, Nicole Kidman's face will unfreeze by 2015.

   I wish somebody would come back from heaven and tell us how to pack.

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.

   I'm sorry, just because you're my next door neighbor doesn't give you the right to ask me how my day is going. Sod off!

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."

   I just read Cubans can travel abroad more easily now. I hope they know they can't use buttons and chicken bones for money here.

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?

   It's not cheating if she's there too.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.