Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get tagged in a Yoga photo, please send the police, I have been kidnapped by some Zen extremists.........!!!!!

   69% of people on FB are childish and immature

   Everyone don't forget to get out and vote. Tell all of your friends too. Republicans on Tuesday and Democrats on Wednesday.

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   all these bars are offering a drink special called "hurricane sandy" don't fall for it though it's just a watered down Manhattan...

   People told me I need to go out more often!But the true is I need to shut up more often !