Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You look like you would ruin my life. Let's have sex. -women

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   The first time a woman swallowed my stuff, I was so appreciative that I swallowed her bullshi t for the next two years.

   You haven't visited my farm on Facebook. Don't you love me anymore? - Crazy Girlfriend

   Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

   Imagination: because if I we did you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.

   I need more space in my heart for all this pain!

   Its not a coincidence that its always the ugly girls who say they dont need a man.

   You better believe it's true love, if first thing I want to do in morning is kiss you without waiting for you brush your teeth.

   I love you too much to avenge what you did to me.

   I heard there's a new drink bartenders are making, it's called a "Hurricane Sandy", essentially it's just a watered down Manhattan. (too soon?)

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   My heart is saying no but my mind is saying yes. Shhhh, quiet down heart. Let's see where this leads.

   Just a friendly reminder: There's 51 shopping days before Xmas. Of course according to the Mayans, the world will end in 48 days, so you decide…

   Day 2: I am thankful for my Dad not pulling out..Thanks Pops

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.

   And for my next trick, I am gonna make 20 of my FB friends delete and block me in next 10 hours.

   I forgive people immediately, after Karma gets them for me.

   I don't want to be owned, but I do want to be possessed.

   The problem with feelings is WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?