SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   Maybe the government clamping down on the internet isn't such a bad thing. The only thing I ever got off of Craigslist was chlamydia!

   I just heard someone described as a "YouTube star" which I don't think is actually a thing.

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   Uh oh. Wikipedia is going black that means it's never coming back.

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.

   Wait, it's "let it go"? I thought it was, "If you love something, drop it off a building." Boy, have I been doing that wrong.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.