SEAN Funny Status Messages

   We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

   The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.

   Don't lie, cheat or steal. The government hates competition.

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time

   Japanese has so many characters, their alphabet soup comes in two separate cans.

   Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

   My God.....even I!M not white enough to like Michael Buble.....

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

   I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.