Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Jail Me Elmo , Just in time for the Holiday season, " Hello My Name is Elmo , Can you say Incarcerated?"

   Elmo is a gay black 52 year old child molester.... Childhood = RUINED.

   So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??

   If a zombie apocalypse ever really happened, I imagine it would look something like the grocery aisles at Walmart around 4pm.

   What did Arnold scwhatzneger and Tiger wood say to the General P? ...... ew still working on a punchline...

   Texas wants to become its own Country. Great we can boost our economy by building a wall around it.

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won't do as she is told.

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   ......Update status, nobody likes?...... -_- (1) Deletes Facebook profile (2) Move to a next country (3) Change name (4) Start new life =)

   I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz from overflowing.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   Was it really that much of a surprise? Elmo has been playing with kids while he was naked the whole time.

   In a vicious cycle of abuse...Elmo is just mimicking his childhood abuse when Mr. Noodle forced Elmo to play with his "noodle"

   Too good to work fast food when you were young? Have you noticed that you are a loser now?

   Day 1. I am thankful that I haven't fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.