Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife likes to whisper in my ear during intimacy. Things like,"Did you remember to record Grey's Anatomy?"

   News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

   Video killed the radio star and the union killed Twinkies!

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   the fact that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend is proof that guys are idiots...

   Dolly Madison , you're on the bench ..... Little Debbie , suit up , you`re on .........

   I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.

   The thought of a Fiscal year doesn't worry me all that much but a Fisting Year........now that's a different story.

   perfect girls are aint real . . Real girls are aint perfect either

   It just hit me.....I will never get to experience a fried Twinkie

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.

   2 things you never guess on women: age & weight....wrong answers hurt

   Screw the fiscal cliff! Where's the Twinkie bailout?!

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   I wonder if Hostess made Watermelon and Fried Chicken Twinkies if there would have been a bail out?