Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 306 of 6383
I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.
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01-11-2021 15:58
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When they washed your brain did they press it after words?
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01-11-2021 14:59 by MrSharp
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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01-11-2021 08:12
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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01-11-2021 08:11
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There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
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01-11-2021 08:10
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It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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01-11-2021 08:09
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[6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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01-11-2021 08:09
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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01-11-2021 08:08
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
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01-11-2021 08:08
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?
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01-11-2021 08:06
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
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01-11-2021 08:04
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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01-11-2021 08:04
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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01-11-2021 08:03
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My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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01-11-2021 08:02
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist
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01-11-2021 08:02
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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01-11-2021 08:01
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Funny how children make accidents in darkness but accidents in the dark make children.
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01-10-2021 20:16
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If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine
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01-09-2021 08:47
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I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words
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01-08-2021 17:43
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I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”
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01-08-2021 17:01
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