Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   the fact that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend is proof that guys are idiots...

   Dolly Madison , you're on the bench ..... Little Debbie , suit up , you`re on .........

   I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.

   The thought of a Fiscal year doesn't worry me all that much but a Fisting Year........now that's a different story.

   perfect girls are aint real . . Real girls are aint perfect either

   It just hit me.....I will never get to experience a fried Twinkie

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.

   2 things you never guess on women: age & weight....wrong answers hurt

   Screw the fiscal cliff! Where's the Twinkie bailout?!

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   I wonder if Hostess made Watermelon and Fried Chicken Twinkies if there would have been a bail out?

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

   With Hostess gone now I wonder how many Straight Men out there will be CRAVING DING DONGS =/

   You know It's going to be a good day when you hear "juke box hero" On the radio.

   Cooked with wine for the first time & I cut my finger, got a black eye, & After 2 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen, But the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.... Over all not bad..