Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you mean sex with no strings attached, how else am I gonna tie that ass up?

   Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman

   I'm the reason they lock up expensive liquor!

   I'm not crying, I just have some emotions stuck in my eye.

   I just want to do my part. Are prostitutes a small business?

   It has been so long, even my memory foam mattress forgot the last time I had sex.

   I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the makers of alcohol for making life worth living.

   Do you suppose that, perhaps, we should not take apocalypse clues from a race that has failed in its own attempt to survive?

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   The 911 operator told me being dead inside isn't an emergency if I'm still able to talk and breathe and stuff. Whatever.

   Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

   When opportunity knocks, I usually have the music turned up way to loud to hear it.

   Every day is independence day when you are single!

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of wine - and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist

   The problem joining Scientology is that you just know they'll give Tom Cruise the best spaceship.

   Nothing says 'single and friendless' quite like a album full of pictures of yourself taken by yourself.

   Who brings Boxing Gloves to a Gun fight?

   Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.

   How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?