Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I can hear myself getting fat.

   My girlfriend asked me what "misogynistic" meant and I told her to shut the hell up and get her fat ass back in the kitchen.

   people that put empty containers back in the fridge and pantry are the same people that want to a die, a long, slow and painful death.

   people that say 'i shi t you not' should probably invest in some laxatives.

   I am 100 days sober today!!! well, not in a row but it still counts right?

   you should be less concerned with my spelling & grammar & more concerned with the fact that i'm sleeping with your sister/mum/wife/pet/sock.

   Hey guys if my wife asks, Facebook pays us bi-annually, that should buy me some time.

   First Mitt, now the Twinkie. Farewell, spongy, bland, artificial remnants of another era...

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

   Tell her she's Beautiful ...because Hot is a just a temperature

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   "What the hell is this?" - Dracula watching Twilight

   They failed to legalize marijuana in my state cause my Xbox doesn't have a "vote here" option."

   I heard that "Lincoln" was shot on location...

   It looks like the Mayans correctly predicted the day that two women at a Wal-Mart in Marietta, Georgia simultaneously reach for the last box of Twinkies on Earth.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   Another night alone,,,,,,,,I wish I was from Nantucket!!!

   watching the movie, "The Hostage" Never saw it, But you can't go wrong with some Bruce Willis --You just can't....

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job you loser" after its completed.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.