Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I lie here on my hungover bed of death, I shall re-evaluate my life and consider sobriety ...Tomorrow: repeat

   It's funny, the only time we can express our feelings is in a quote, and then we post it to complete strangers, at least they understand.

   Sunday, my day of rest!! Rest of the laundry, rest of the dusting, rest of the ....

   Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.

   My brother was born with Down's Syndrome. His teachers said he'd never amount to anything. Today he is an NFL referee.

   Taylor Swift is the new relationship advice columnist for Seventeen magazine. That's like trying to cure aids with more aids.

   Lets take a moment and be thankful....for yoga pants.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican

   You wonder why guys keep leaving you? Maybe it's because you put out before they even tell you their name.

   i feel bad when I see a lonely old person at the bus stop... but then I remember how those a$$holes drive.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/

   If I win $425 Million next Wednesday, what do you want for Christmas?

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   Hey ladies, if a guy ever texted you the heart emoticon, chances are he also fantasizes about your brother.

   It might get dark and really cold in winter but at least it doesn't stay like that the whole year like your soul.

   Maybe those huge ass snakes just want to give us a tight hug but are really bad at it.

   Twice. The number of times you have to ask me if I'm sure I'm okay before I stop being okay.

   I found a big piece of pie in the fridge late last night with a note that said, "Don't eat me"....Now there's an empty plate with a new note that says, "Don't tell me what to do!"