Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   Did you know that if you spell "Go hang a salami" backwards it comes out as "I'm a lasagna hog" ?!?!?

   Ya gotta know the difference between berries and poop.

   My downstairs neighbor's 3 favorite movies of all time... 3.) “10,000,000 Explosions” 2.) “Army Guys Yelling At Each Other” 1.) “Subwoofer: The Movie”

   In the day and age of debit/credit cards, it sure makes it tough for panhandlers to acquire spare change while standing outside of convenience stores.

   A guy at work today asked a silly question. He said what could be possibly be better than winning the lottery tonight?? I said that's easy,,, winning it one day after your Divorce becomes FINAL!!!!

   My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's pop group The Monkees. I thought she was joking....and then I saw her face.....

   My daughter just told me when she grows up she wants to live in Kentucky and grow a whole field of ham... My God.

   John Gruden took my 4th grade picture to his Great Clips stylist.

   sometimes instead of poking you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend".

   When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…

   everybody..we all just need to chip in and buy195,249,054 powerball tickets that has every single number combination and we win.

   All I'm saying is if I lost my arm in a light saber battle, my robot replacement arm better vibrate.

   Women are like headphones, you get a lot of static if you put it in the wrong hole.

   Romney spent $800m to not be president. I spent nothing for the same result. Who's the better business man now?

   What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account