Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   The imbecile underneath this couldn't come up with a clever retort, so he stood on my shoulders and a f00l of himself in the process.

   I find it hilarious how adults parrots these childish insults about other people. I guess they hate adulthood and want to be children again.

   Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

   Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet

   I was just traveling thru an overpass where the city's homeless seem to gather, and it made me proud. Even they are doing their part to battle this Covid 19 as I saw a couple of them administering vaccinations to each other.

   I have this condition where I can no longer do math in my head. It's called Fibromyalgebra.

   I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.

   As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   One good thing about being a Amazon delivery driver is you can impress women by telling them your company provides you with a Mercedes-Benz.

   As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

   n't it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive?