Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   not looking for Mr. Right... looking for Mr. Right Now

   Why couldn't that Down Under DJ pulled that trick on a Kardashian? Just saying, LOL

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   Hey Mr. Australian DJ, can you play some funky cold medina now?

   it's not fair how a woman never knows what she's gonna get til his pants are off

   electrocuting the engineer

   Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face simply because their laugh is so annoying?? Or is it just me?

   LEON- Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone.. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life...

   "Together forever" said no sock ever.

   Doctor's can no longer tell people they are fat... Stupid Hippo laws.

   I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.

   Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.

   light beer, fruit flavored booze, turkey burgers...why do we have to pussify everything good??

   dear Hollywood: When you find an action star who's not gay and taller than the girl, let me know...