SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD

   My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.