totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   Bye bye "San-butt-sky"!!! 422 years won't be so bad...With good bahavior you'll be out in 200 or so...So long dirtbag!!!

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!

   The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.

   Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ

   After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!

   Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!

   I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   I think A.D.D. must have been called P.A.K. when I was young because the only thing I can remember teachers yelling was "Pay Attention Kid!"

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   I noticed a lot of celebrities seem to drown in the bathtub...Perhaps a business that tattoos "industrial grade" sand strips to their asses is in order. I'm looking for investors! ツ

   It's so cold tonight I saw a Rabbi wearing a flannel Yarmulke!

   Congrats to Jack In The Box on their new bacon malt beverage...I'm guessing that one milkshake that WON'T bring "boys to the yard".

   found out the reason for our mild Winter....Someone removed the duct tape from Al Gores "pie hole!"

   I look forward everyday to extending my streak of never watching a single minute of "The View"!