mike Funny Status Messages

   Officer; "Sir, would you mind taking an alcohol test?" Me; "I have been testing alcohol all day so I don't see how one more test could hurt."

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   I'm not really sure who won the Powerball drawing-- but as my coworkers start to show up, I'm able to cross off my list of likely winners.

   Halo 4 comes out on election day? I hope my wife tells me who won the election....i'll be busy for the next week or so!

   Tim Tebow may love Jesus, but it's pretty apparent that Jesus is NOT a Tebow fan.

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

   ready for them to release the photo of Bin Laden. He wants to print T-shirts and mugs that say "This is the face of terrorism."

   offering his new drink. It's the Bin Laden. It's two shots and a splash of water.

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on.

   is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   I am a good listener, just ask my TV.

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs

   "Blonde men aren't dumb, they're evil. Like in the Karate Kid and World War II." - Bart Simpson

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.