markf Funny Status Messages

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?

   Wondering if celebrities hang pictures in their homes of famous restaurant owners.

   Email your congressman and demand recognition for Precedents Day! So what if we never had one before.

   Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.

   Casey Kasem found safe today in Washington state. Overheard nearby: "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids."

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.

   I think my superpower is making mountains out out of molehills.

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering cheaper flights to Honolulu, with only a single stop to change wheel wells at San Jose.

   So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?

   NFL announces no more goal dunking allowed. Oakland Raiders reply with a public statement: "No effect on us."

   I need an alarm clock with a snooze button that sounds like a pack of snarking wolves.

   10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.

   In every crowd there's that guy that used to work in an Inspirational Poster factory.

   If you were at a Beatles tribute concert and you fell and hurt yourself, what would you yell?

   Was late getting to the Super Bowl party and missed the first 15 seconds, but the game was already over.