jitney Funny Status Messages

   I was at the super market. I bought 2 dozen eggs. I only looked stupid pushing 2 baskets. I would have been really stupid If I put all my eggs in 1 basket.

   My friend asked my advice on how to impress his date. I suggested that I go in his place.

   She says that she needs a bigger closet, but she has nothing to wear.

   If I win the Power Ball, I will buy two lbs of cheese from Whole Food.

   that moment when This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   Columbia is going to invade phillipians......um did I spell that right? After watching the Pageant ...Im confused also

   "Donald Trump for President" - Steve Harvey

   If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .

   My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   Feeling sad is better than not feeling at all. unless you into your feelings....

   Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!

   When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me

   I love the surprised look on a woman's face when I tell her that she drew her eyebrows too high.

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies