jdpower Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING: Taco Bell to re-brand Itself as "64% Vegan"

   BBC News: high brow. Fox News: low brow. Al Jazeera: unibrow.

   It confuses me when I see a cougar wearing a leopard print sweater.

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany.

   I wonder if Cher is going to get lonely once the rest of us have died.

   ‎"Oh my god, they have Rolling Rock??!!" - said by maybe 2 or 3 people a year.

   I'm fairly sure "PIMPIN LIKE BUBBA GUMP GOES SHRIMPIN" is the worst text I've ever sent.

   Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago.

   I was excited to bring home my Xmas Tree but I didn't have the heart to tell it I'd be leaving it in the street for dead in just a few weeks.

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

   I hope South Pole doesn't respond to increased North Pole activity with military exercises. Everybody settle down.

   French couple claims to have found 271 unknown Picassos. Suspiciously, one of them is "Still Life with McRib."

   US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."

   We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.

   I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

   A new study says humans are psychic, and I'm living proof of it. For example, I can clearly foresee a future where this study is debunked.

   Car dealerships greatly over-estimate the allure of tents.