Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.