M.A.C. Funny Status Messages

   sometimes I stare at a woman and wonder, "what would it take to stub her camel toe..."

   Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…

   sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...

   I've come to realize that there is not much difference between paying for an evening out, and just leaving the money on the nightstand...unless you're hungry of course...

   If after sex, you have said, “you couldn't imagine me being someone else either eh?”….seek help….

   so today is Presidents' Day and I'm a bit confused...are we supposed to misplace our birth certificates and not salute the flag today?

   Dear REALLY Cool Car Owner, Seems your car felt the need to take 2 parking spots today…I read once that this is caused by a lack of social skills, so that is why I dinged it up a bit, and left this message via key…just trying to help it ‘fit in'�

   Just took the 'road less traveled'...found Waldo...

   I think 'supervision' isn't nearly as cool as it sounds...

   I bet everytime a sports announcer says, "Kobe's takin' it to the hole..", his jeweler gets a woody...

   I call bullsh!t!!...only took about 10 min's and the water was boiling…watched it the entire time….

   Sometimes I like to press ‘2' for spanish….and scream, “LA MIGRA!!!! RUN FOR THE TUNNELS!!!!!”

   If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….

   I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...

   And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."

   working on harnessing the addictive component in meth…figure if I can bottle it, fast food companies and ugly people everywhere would pay me millions for it!!!!

   now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...

   I have a heart on...you know, so nobody tries to pinch me today...

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...